Thursday, August 30

Havent really had too much that was bloggable lately....
I guess I could recount each day here - but thats not what my intent was at the inception of this.

I have been recapturing some of my independence since the girls went back to school...that has been like seeing an old friend I have missed. I have more energy and insight to deal with daily things since I am not a referee.

I am considering demolishing what we know as our living room and kitchen. We need a change, and I have done enough of these projects to know that once I will be a domino effect that will spill over into things I had no intention of fixing,replacing, or refurbishing. That is why I am being very cautious and trying to see if this is a phase I will pass through or something I am really committed to. I would hate to have everything ripped apart and then lose my desire to complete it.
That would reallly bite.

I watched the movie "Family Man" today while washing my 90 loads of laundry. It's a 21st Century adaptation of it's a wonderful life, although the main character, (Nicholas Cage) doesn't die -
he is simply thrust into the life he didn't choose when he opted to become a career man instead of marrying his college sweetheart. Good film, though not an Oscar contestant, it gives you something for your brain to chew on.

The randomness of life is a fickle thing that constantly intrigues me. Some call it fate, destiny or even God's plan...I haven't cast a vote into any box as to what I think yet.

I know personally I would like to take a gimpse of my life as it would exist today if I had made other choices in the past. Not only as far as mates are concerned, but with any number of decisions I made that definately changed me as a person. The premise of "What If?" Is a ponderous thing.

As a scholar of life, I know too well that what we want at any given time, if handed to us - would not be as great as it seemed when you wanted it. I have made that "mistake" per se hundreds of times.

There are things I want in my life that there is no room for. I realize that, and I make no moves to acquire them. Things like a college education, better job, etc. But I realize that those things wouldn't change the person I am right now.

The scary thing that I realized today, is that I only get one shot. I was vaguely aware that most of us only get one ticket to play this game - but I hadn't really, totally considered the impact of what one day of my life can have on others - myself included.

I could break that thought down farther, but I think you know where I am headed..

Saturday, August 25

All is good.....

Yesterday was volleyball tryouts for the girls. My 13 year old had no trouble, as only the required amount of girls tried out for the team (12)

My 12 year old, in her first year of Jr. High, had 36 kids go out for the sport. The coach was to say - overwhelmed with the choices, and told the girls that only a third of them would be staying. She is a good player, but not a really good self-salesman. Not to mention that there were 3 schools feeding into this draft.


I was thrilled for her, and she was too.

What this means, is that I now only have ONE school to attend sports at this year which is a good thing.
No more shuttling off to two different sports schedules. I am really liking that.

Tuesday, August 21

damn my inability to just go to bed.

Why can't I just shut this off and go to bed like normal people do.
My lack of posts for the past 6 days was my attempt to retrieve my normal bedtime.
I just watched the TV till 12:00am -
I would rather be actively thinking here, than stupidly hypnotized by the boob tube.
So now I give up.

The girls had their first whole day of back to school today.
I didn't know quite what to do. I had planned on pissing the entire day off sleeping.
The alarm went off at 5:30 and I couldn't fall back asleep. I felt dammed.

So I flipped and flopped, knowing that I wasn't getting anywhere so I got up.
I loggged on, and set up my online banking. - hoping maybe the boredom in that would tire me.

They have a place there to set up a budget, so I did.
UNFORTUNATELY, once I entered our income, and debts I got an error message that laughed at me
.....the bastards....

I guess I should be glad that I don't live alone. Reviewing our finances made crystal clear the fact that the husband and I separately would be statistics.

I would be the one who ate saltines and drank rain runoff....(no wait, that would be my best friend)
HARRR HARRR HARRR - but I would be close.

And Tod would be one of those people who filed for bankruptcy every 7 years like clockwork.

So we live in a not so happy medium. As soon as I get the foundation secured, he runs around pulling out bricks, just to watch me sweat. Thats my opinion of course.
I tolerate it, so who's the stupid one?
heh heh heh

Well, that was all a little too much information, wouldn't you agree?
I need an editor

Wednesday, August 15

Orthodontia Update.....

Girls went to see Orthodontist on Wed. in the afternoon - 3:15 pm to be exact
(this will be important later)

like I said before, we discussed several treatment options. I made them aware that this type of investment would need to be a family decision, and I left.

Hubby's work schedule has not let me have a good conversation with him about anything more important than laundry and groceries, so I did not have an opportunity to discuss the visit with him.

come home from work, find opened letter on kitchen table from Ortho. with a bill for $5,100.00 for orthodontic appliances and treatment. ALONG with coupon booklets to begin payment on said services in10 days.

Next upsetting thing, was the fact that there was also POSTAGE DUE on the letter containing the payment coupon booklets.

Last upsetting thing, was that my husband FOUND this in the mail BEFORE I had talked to him about it.
So he figures I just orchestrated this whole deal without telling.


After we got it all sorted out, I sent a flaming letter to the Orthodontist the next day declaring my rage.
I won't go into great details, but I am sure he could taste my seething anger.

I just thought it was very presumptious of him to bill me before we had our first appointment, and did not contact my dental carrier for any coverage info, yadda yadda yadda.

That was Monday - when I sent the letter, completely returning EVERYTHING they had originally sent me, in an envelope addressed to the doctor personally, so the office staff would not open it themselves.

Tuesday the girls and I were shopping most of the day, and we return to find 4 calls on the caller ID from the doctor. He cought me at home a short time later.

He was very apologetic, and had no idea that they sent out booklets and coupons before the first visit.
He actually told me he was glad I wrote and told him of my problems, that criticism made their office work more efficiently.(eek) He was very very genuine and apologetic. No offer to do the treatments for free though......

Now I am trying to decide if I cave in and give him another chance to make me happy, or do I find another....

But I do feel pretty great about letting them have it between the eyes.
Let the buyer beware, my ASSS !
Politics and Religion

Two things to never discuss with friends.

I have to admit, I am being a very VERY lackluster parent. I am not giving my children any Theological skills at all. They are 12 and 13 and I bet have never heard the story of David and Goliath (at least not in cartoon form) and have no vague idea who Sampson is, or even Methusaleh. They both have been baptised, because that is just the "right" thing to do. But not so long after that, my involvement in "organized" religion strayed way off the chart.

I do have two very great friends who see my weakness and are willing and wanting to see them get some type of education in that realm.

Religion is a touchy subject with people who have had unsavory experiences with it. If you were born and raised in a family steeped in tradition and religious references, it may be easier to handle.

I was expected to go to church for 16 years of my life - some of those of course I don't remember. What I do remember though, is the battle fought within myself before, during and afterwards. I don't know what it is about the "group" system to christianity - but it turns me really off.

Perhaps I haven't found a place where I feel I belong. Perhaps as an adult, I have yet to look. But should I deprive my kids the experience simply because I found it unsatisfying? I think not, but I am so far unable to carve a niche in my comfort zone where I might be interested in persuing this in their name.

Do I feel unworthy? Quite possibly. Maybe it is unfounded, but I feel constantly judged by belonging. Character flaw most certaintly, but alas, it is a deep and painful rut I trod.

What most don't know, is that I have a very satisfying relationship with God. I have not walked away from him, I just don't go for coffee very often. We talk about a lot of stuff - mostly he comes to me as reminders of things I already know, but have not paid enough attention to him. I don't thrust my everyday life situations into his lap - I figure that he has bigger fish to fry than whether or not my Sprint long distance service is satisfactory.

I do go to him with praise of the great things life gives me - my kids,family, my health and my husband and general, my life. There are those with much less than I have.

I try not to be greedy. I generally do not seek guidance or help in a situation I know I have created for myself....knowing if I had taken the correct path or made the right choice I wouldn't be in the dire straits.
In other words, I want to save my "Get out of Hell card" for something really important.

I occasionally miss the peace I felt knowing that it would all be okay.... sometimes hiding behind that feeling as an excuse not to take action in my life.

My biggest fear, or concern would be to start going to some service, get caught up in the righteousness of it all and forget about those I knew a long time ago - who were sunday saints and weeklong sinners.
Thats what has jaded me the most.

I have wonderful people around me who help shape me everyday. Maybe through them I will find what I am looking for, when the time is right.

I just know that this is a topic I consider every week....and I still havent found a solution that will fit nice and not chafe. I am selfish in this aspect, I know.. Another fear I have is the old joke that goes;

"You know why old people go to church so much, don't you?"
"No, why?
"They are cramming for the final"

Somewhere between here and there is the answer. Personally I don't think God cares if I seek his love through a congregation, or alone in the shower.... But I am responsible for more than myself.

Monday, August 13

Well...... I feel better now. more relaxed.
Three beers relaxed to be precise.

Today I was just too busy. I was busy enough to put on my "I don't give a shit" face and just run all over whatever got in my way. Sad, but true. It was one of those days where details didn't matter - I was RIGHT, and dammitt, you'd better just agree with me cause I am gonna tell you how it is, and feed it to you until you gag on it.

Well......maybe not that bad..... but close.

First thing, that started it was the husband. Normal beginning spot for tension around here... but it had a climax on Sunday that festered while I slept and grew into an UGLY Monday.

It began:

No one was moving very speedily on Sunday around here, except me. I had laundry to do, cleaning to do, sheep to fuss with, and meals to cook. Everyone else was in neutral, so I kept myself busy.
After supper, the kitchen was a disaster and I looked for volunteers to help clean, since no one seemed to notice it looked like an Atom bomb had went off.

No one helpers.
I did the little red hen thing, cursing them all along.

I did tell them that one of these days I would quit, and let them take care of me.
No one paid any attention to the warnings.

This morning, I woke up with Patty LaBelles "New Attitude"
all answers to any question that required input or effort from me, was NO.
I am actually enjoying being the true to life hardass.

I am usually too soft. I say no, and then am easily swayed. Everyone here has grown accustomed to my threats of non-compliance.

Today was interesting.

Oldest daughter had a volleyball practice at 6 - I told her beforehand, that her chores would be done - ALL OF THEM before she would be taken to the school. I come home and they are not ALL done. They are arguably "MOSTLY" done, but not ALL done.

Scratch one vollleyball practice.

I can still see the disbelief in her eyes that I would do such a thing. After all, MOST of it was done.

What would the President say if the General's troops were "Mostly" at the battle? Or if the money was "MOSTLY" at the bank? Nosirreebob - thats not the way this new army is run here.

She was not one to sulk. not even 20 minutes of being reamed out over her chores, she had them completed, and thought I should take her anyway, or let her go play basketball.
I just asked her what part of NO, didn't she understand?

My time has come. If you don't like the time, don't do the crime.
I feel empowered.

Now lets see if I can keep it this way longer than 24 hours....

Sunday, August 12

It's Sunday....

Where did the weekend go? Just because I didn't do a damn thing today doesn't mean that tomorrow should be Monday.
I really need a Pepsi, and guess who has been to Wal-Mart three times since Thursday, and has forgotten to load up each and every time? Me.

Yesterday I took the girls school shopping. It was nearly exhausting, but everyone was in a good mood and we got a lot done. The girls had their own money to spend, and it was very entertaining watching their faces screw up tightly when they found something they ADORED - but it cost a fortune.

We almost had to do the back to school shopping at Goodwill. In the end, I volunteered to pick up the larger ticket items, such as tennis shoes and the like.I got off cheap though - I only spent $75.00 and I think they each dropped about $100.00

The kitties are still doing well, and the girls were scared to death to have their dad find out about them. He isn't a big cat fan. One or two is okay - but 7 would be a little too many. He took it well - I think because he knows that we can send them off to a petting zoo when they are old enough. There they will be given all their shots and adopted out when they are no longer "pettable" size.

All's well that ends well - and I think I am going to turn in early tonight.
nothing like doing nothing, to make you sleepy.

I have been doing this long enough that some of the stories I tell need some history if you weren't here to witness the original one.

Short version -
Daughters house cat got thrown outside a few months ago. (much to her chagrin)
Noticed house cat was pregnant a few weeks later (of course)

We now have kitties!

Yesterday we looked and looked for her, as we knew it was almost time. Couldn't find her anywhere. As most momma cats do, they find a safe and quiet place to have their kits. BUT - this was her first litter, and her first adventure of being outside.

Silly cat ... we finally found her after her head popped out of the bushes near the garage. Seems she had snuggled up to a low bush and delivered them right there. Outside, beside the garage.
There is a huge barn with plenty of hiding places not 30 steps away. Silly cat.

So last night we helped her move them out of the elements, and into a lambing pen in the barn. She just looked around and decided that wasn't such a bad idea. So now the girls are taking turns fussing over them. There were 5 kittens. Two yellow, two tiger and a black and white spotted one.

Now if I can keep the dogs out of them.

Friday, August 10

Feeling overwhelmed...

Having young adults is very exhausting.

I enter each phase, eager for the next one, because the current one is so stressful.
I'm not totally convinced I will leave this stage with my sanity.

Somewhere along the lines I seem to have lost the influence of power.
I think about this a lot. I have said here, many times that I am a person who was very willful from the get go. I called my own shots, but have the scars, so to speak from doing so.

Could I have been molded better by my parents?

Would it have been painful for all of us?

Would I have made the choices and decisions that I did?
Probably not.

Demanding respect, is not something you should try to begin at a late age with kids.
Evidently, I had been lacking in that department, so now I have to make that up.
It hurts.

But slowly,, I see it working. In tiny steps. The waiting is the hardest.

I remember what I was like, and what I was doing at 13, and so far they both are still on the right path..
Maybe it is because I refuse to let them become what I thought I wanted at that age.

I totally realize the irony in this situation. I realize that statistically,, my kids are at a higher risk to Maybe the worrying and steps to avoid such a circumstance are futile but I have to give it all I have.

I also realize that in most cases, the tighter you grip, the harder they work to break free.
It's a total conundrum.

All I can do is what I feel is best. I have seen both sides, and I now know at 31 that maybe I wasn't as smart as I thought I was at 13. Now the tough part, is convincing them.

Kids are the toughest job I have ever had. I think I would rather haul dynamite cross country on the back of a mule..... naw,, that would be way too easy.


Wednesday, August 8


Since I do the mail at work, I have to open and categorize all the incoming invoices, payments and whatnot. Monday, I was sorting all the usual stuff and happenned to open a confirmation for a seminar my supervisor had signed up to attend. Normally - that type of thing is of little interest to me.....but the title of the seminar caught my eye.


After a few moments of introspection, I decided that it COULDN'T pertain to me. And all I can presume, is that she finally is trying to collect the nerve, or gumption to coerce my favorite part time employee into at least contributing to (or appearing to) her job she has had for 19 years.

The results of that $150.00 seminar should be interesting.

Actually, in my humble opinion, I don't think she really needs it.
If she would have asked me to take care of it,
we could have fired the aforementioned person
and spent the $150.00 on a help wanted ad.

But then I am too involved with my job, and I take it too seriously....remember?

heh heh heh.
Oh - by the way
God Bless Friends.
Sometimes people just do the nicest things.

Today, I was struggling with the last two weeks before school starts with the girls.
They have exhausted absolutely everything entertaining this summer. They are driving me nuts.
At the last minute today, some friends called up and invited them to go swimming and play volleyball with their family.
N I R V A N A !
It is 10:14 pm and they aren't home yet.

We have several great friends that like to include us, and our kids in things that they do. usually it's a lifesaver, like it was today. The girls are lucky - because they get to go places we might never take them
(right Rachel?)

Wednesdays are usually good evenings. I work, but can take this one day of the week to do whatever I want in the evening. It's not arranged specifically that way, but Wednesday evenings usually are too far into the week to start a huge project, and too close to the weekend to worry about being productive!

So, tonight, I enjoyed the peace of a quiet house until my husband got home, then we talked about all of the things we forgot to tell each other over the past week and then he ran off to bed.

He got home at 7:30 pm tonight, which is like a vacation for him. Only worked 15 hours today.
gotta give that guy a medal .

I knew it was coming, but I had hoped that it would drive by and not stop.
It did, and left me a ticket for nearly $4,000.00

Oldest daughter will be sporting 1/2 a mouth of metal. The bottom portion of her choppers seemingly
developed without problems.
Youngest daughter MAY get by with a retainer - we can only hope.

As for now, I have to see if I can shake the money tree.
Hopefully something will fall down.

We might be broke, but DAMN - we will have straight teeth to eat that oatmeal...
(right Rebecca?)

heh heh heh

Tuesday, August 7

This is just a shout out to those who have found this blog.
I am curious to see if anyone besides myself and 3 others actually find any of this drivel interesting.
Let me know, if you are out there.
drop me a line.
Lunch Mania.....

Never before have I had to pack a lunch for so many days in a row.
Not for myself, mind you - but the husband has been working nowhere near a food establishment.

There is a great market somewhere for lunch packers. I am so surprised that there are so few choices to be made when trying to pack a lunch for someone to eat. The things I have to take into consideration are:

It must be able to be eaten cool, or cold and not taste like crap.
It must be palatable
It must not become mundane and boring
It must have a variety of items to carry the consumer through an 18 hour work day.

You can only do so many variations of the cold meat sandwich.

I am breaking new ground.
Yesterday I sent Pita Pockets with grilled chicken in ranch sauce.
The day before, I sent lamb burgers.
I pretty much have the entrees under control, but the hard part is the fillers.
It is nearly impossible to not fall back on the chips and cookie in my laziness.

One very hot day, I inadvertently sent items that I thought would be refreshing....
frozen grapes, muskmelon and some pickles as sides.
Little did I know that trio would cause some explosive reaction in the colon department.
too much fiber evidently. That, unfortunately was the same day I also sent baked beans and a pork barbeque sandwich.

Well..... WHAT DID I KNOW?

That is what I did today. Packed up the kids and headed to the lake with my mom.
She has been wanting us to come out and have a get together all summer, but we haven't got it together until today. There are tons of things I could have done here today, but I had to prioritize....sometimes family has to come first.

I'm not saying I was looking forward to it.....I mean I love my mom, but I really couldn't figure out what WE were going to do all day at the lake, because she doesn't swim. So I could either lay out and swim and leave her high and dry, or I could follow her around and let the kids go.

It turned out that she went with us..which was pretty cool. She tries really hard, but we are very different people, and she still likes mothering too much. Maybe everyones mom is like that, but mine drives me crazy worrying about nonessential things. "Don't let the girls out of your sight" Mom, they are teenagers, and know how to swim. "Are they going to fall off that raft?" Mom, let them be, they are having fun. "Don't you think they need more sunscreen? Mom, I just put 15 SPF on them, they are fine.

After my dad died, she went on this binge. I don't think she really ever felt like she had control of anything before, and now it is ALL under her control - or lack of. If that makes sense.
It's all pretty much about what she wants to do. Not in a self centered crappy way - but she just does what she likes. Which is what all of us strive to do I guess, but sometimes it interferes with what my mind tells me grandmas should be.

But I love her, and the girls love her so we are all ok with it. I am also glad we all had a good time, and I kind of fufilled my obligation - per se. We might just go voluntarily do it again.

Sunday, August 5


The reunion went just great.

The guys did a great job of pulling it together on a shoestring.
Their class only had $300.00 available in the treasury!

About 1/2 of the class showed up, which is a good turnout considering those that have moved out of area.
Probably the most fun was watching them all horse around. They played tug of war, built sand castles and had a three legged race. All of which sounds somewhat juvenile to consider doing, but was great fun to watch them do.

Doing all that just reminded me that we have a Halloween party coming up soon, and I need to get on the ball and prepare for that.

Saturday, August 4

Today is class reunion day for the husband.

He and a few other guys were put in charge of all the plans, the date, the activities and the food.
In my opinion, they have done a very good job. We attended his 10 year reunion, and they had planned almost an entire weekend of activities. Dinner on Friday - park for kids on Saturday, etc.

Well that just nauseated us.
It is difficult enough to find time to squeeze in ONE day on a summer weekend, nevermind write off the whole thing to your class reunion.

Today is the one and only day.

We are getting together at a class members house, which happens to have a huge pond, slides, diving boards and plenty of room for games and what not.

The guys are roasting a hog, and everyone is bringing something to share to eat. It is from 2pm till whenever. It should be fun. Really casual and relaxed.

I envy his class, as most of the kids in it live around here, and some that don't still check in and keep in touch. There were only 86 kids in his class of 1986.

MY CLASS - however, probably will never see me again. It's their loss, actually.
I happenned to have one of those classes where everyone was 95% fake. I do not feel like schmoozing with them at all. I might go to the 25 year reuinion - just to see how fat and bald everyone turned out and point fingers to remind them that I am not as bad off as they are.
heh heh heh

Tod and I always win at least two awards at his class reunion.
1.) Being married the longest. lesseeeee......... at his 15 year reunion, we will have been married 14 years. Hard to beat foolishness. :-)
2.) Oldest kids - which goes hand in hand with being foolish.

Good thing today is going to be beautiful - it's all outside.


Thursday, August 2

I had almost forgotten to blog about my job.

Remember a few weeks ago I told you I finally had enough of the slacker who leaves me work to do?
I wrote her up. That was about 3 weeks ago. Last week, I learned that the other office, and our administrator were calling up all the employees of our office for a little consultation to get to the bitter root of the problem. Today was my day under the bright lights.

It didn't take them long to recognize my disdain for those who visit and frolic, only to leave their work for others to do. From then, the primary focus was on me.

I don't know if I am pleased or displeased with the way things turned out. They were very concerned for me. Evidently, I take my job responsibility too seriously.
I don't interact enough with other employees, (read that I don't waste time dilly dallying about non essential stuff) And they feel that if I continue to stress over this situation I will no longer ENJOY myself at work.

The icing on the freaking birthday cake,was when I was asked if I had ever asked GOD to take over these concerns for me. So that I could continue working, but know that another power would be responsible for my resolution of this conflict. GOD... for Pete's sake.

I am a control freak - admittedly. I like order and cleanliness. I like to NOT leave a mess of mine, for someone else to deal with. I like others to admire my skills and be glad they live,work,relate to me.

Please forgive me for not being one of the few who just slog by and let others clean up behind them.

I did ask, in closing...who THEY would rather work with...
which was answered quite politically correctly by saying "We all are different, and I couldn't choose between one or the other"

So thats how it's gonna be. I will have to learn to accept what I cannot change. OR find another job where God doesn't handle the personell conflicts.
double aaaaak.